The positives to being negative

Although I have a lot of things in my life to be thankful for, I also feel like generally I'm pretty unlucky. Things do not come easily to me, except injuring myself. Yesterday I stubbed my pinky toe which was both unlucky and very easy for me to do. What I'm getting at here is that sometimes things happen in my life and I accidentally think positively about them. This is a huge mistake. I wouldn't even say I think positively about them, it's more like I don't really think negatively about them. I just let them be and semi-hope for the best. Many times I have learned this is a terrible way for me to do things. I should always just be negative until there's an actual reason to be positive, which is normally never. If you just stay negative there's never the surprise moment where it doesn't work out. You just know it won't and therefore don't feel quite as bad when it goes wrong.

When looking back on my life I feel like the only two areas where I lucked out are my family and friends. I was blessed with a great family and I know that that's not always the case so I am very thankful for that. Friends on the other hand have never been too hard for me to get, I'm not saying I'm awesome or anything. Apparently once I get over the shy phase I'm pretty friendly. I'm all about communication so it's hard to stop being my friend. Unless of course you tell me I can't talk to you and then I do give up.

Aside from friends and family I have almost no luck. For awhile I bought the whole everything happens for a reason thing, but right now I don't. I thought maybe the bad situations were preparing me for something good later. At this point I'm thinking it's just preparing me for more unfortunate situations. I know I'm only 24 so obviously there's time for something good to happen before I kick it, but really we don't know that. I think maybe I'm just one of those people who's meant to be sort of happy with life, but never really truely happy with themselves or their life. I hate that if I take a step back and look at my life I know it's a good one, but being in it doesn't seem as good. I sound like an idiot not being completely happy with everything I do have, but I guess that's part of my problem.

On another different, yet similar note. I don't want to get married any time soon. Unfortunately the rest of the world is tricking me into thinking I do. Right now when I look at the pictures around my desk there are six pictures where I am the only single person in the picture. It's not just that these other girls are in relationships, every one of them has a diamond too. I know that I am not ready for that stage, but I am also very sick of everyone else being there. I love that my friends are happy and that most of them want me in the wedding. It's awesome that I now have half a closet full of bridesmaid dresses to remind me of my predicament. It's really only a matter of time before every one of my friends is married and I'm sitting around without a cat because I'm allergic. Not only will I be alone, but I can't even have a furry companion. Another part of the issue is that I don't even know what I want. I can't possibly find someone to spend the rest of my life with when I don't even know what I want to do in the future. Plus I don't think I will ever like someone enough to want to see them every day and I'm pretty sure when you're married you have to see them quite frequently. So I am going to focus on planning my funeral which I know will eventually happen and stop ever giving thought to what I might do if I get married. I do not need a man to make my life complete, but I need to not feel like a freak for not having one.

This whole blog isn't really going in the direction that I intended it to go. There are just so many things in life that I don't understand and I know I never will. I like to know things and plan ahead. I just need to realize that you can't plan life. It just happens, whether it's good or bad, there's nothing I can do. I guess I'll just try to go with the flow...